


420

by lovevalley45



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing, they do not use crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 05:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11268471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovevalley45/pseuds/lovevalley45
Summary: Ronaldo and Lars get high.





	420

**Author's Note:**

> this is a complete crack fic that i thought of because my friend said that Ronaldo was the stoner of Beach City. so yeah. take this

It had started at Ronaldo’s. Lars had started hanging out with him on occasion, and he had gotten invited over on a random Saturday night. He didn't have anything better to, so he decided to go over to chill. 

Lars was sitting at Ronaldo’s desk on his phone when he smelled smoke. He looked over at Ronaldo, who was on his bed, tying on his laptop. In his free hand, he was holding a joint, and he nonchalantly took a drag.

“Are you getting high?” Lars asked, putting down his phone. 

Ronaldo looked up from typing. “Yeah. Why, do you care?”

Lars rolled his eyes. “Just didn't know you were a fucking stoner, man.”

Ronaldo shrugged. “Not really a stoner, but I smoke sometimes.” He took another drag, blowing smoke into the air. 

“Whatever.” He grabbed his phone, and turned back around in the desk chair, ignoring Ronaldo. 

A few minute passed until he heard Ronaldo ask him something. 

“Wanna hit?” 

Lars turned back around. Ronaldo was holding out the joint to him. 

“C’mon, sharing a joint isn't gay,” Ronaldo said, waving the joint in the air. 

“I don't care about that!” Lars groaned. “Just give me that joint, man.”

He took the joint from Ronaldo’s fingers, and put it to his mouth. He took a drag, and coughed into his shoulder as he gave it back. 

“First time, huh?”

“Don't be an asshole.”

Ronaldo took the joint back and took a drag, blowing smoke in Lars’ direction, before laughing and offering the joint back to him. 

“Try it again. Without coughing.”

Lars took the joint and glared at him before raising it to his lips. He took a drag, and tried not to cough as he gave the joint back to him, blowing grey smoke into the air. He grinned, leaning back into the chair. 

“Asshole,” Ronaldo murmured, before taking another drag. 

“Pot calling the kettle black,” Lars said, crossing his legs. 

An hour soon passed, and another, with Lars and Ronaldo ending up high out of their minds. 

Ronaldo was typing, a mad look on his face. Lars was laying upside down in the desk chair. 

“Ronnieeee,” he whined. 

“I'm busy,” Ronaldo said, not looking up. 

Lars pouted, crossing his arms and then falling off the chair. Ronaldo still didn't look up at the thump. 

The door flung open, and Peedee sighed as he looked inside. 

“Did you guys get high?” he said, sounding more tired than usual. 

Lars giggled from the floor. 

“I'm going to take that as a yes. Next time, I'm telling dad.”

“No, you won't,” Ronaldo said. 

Peedee groaned, and slammed the door as he left. 

Lars felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and he grabbed it to check a text from Sadie. 

**sadie:** u up?

**lars:** yea I'm high

**sadie:** u what

**lars:** did u know ronnie is a fuckin stoner

**sadie:** he literally wears weed socks

**sadie:** we have work together u fuck why are you high

**lars:** bc ronald is an aSs

**lars:** aSSholr

**lars** : aSSHOLE

**lars:** there

**sadie:** what’s he doin

**lars:** being an asshole

**lars** : a boring asshole

**lars** : he’a ttping i think 

**sadie:** are u at home

**lars:** no I'm at the asshoe’s houre

**lars:** asshoe 

**lars:** ronaldo is an asshoe sadie 

**sadie:** i heard u the first time 

**sadie** : it's gettin late u should go home

**lars** : it's only 10 pm

**sadie:** it's 1 am

**lars:** fuck my parents are gonna kill me

**lars:** im gonna dyie again except Steven can't bring me back tI life 

**lars:** wake me up inside (can't wake up) wake me up (saaaaaaave me)

**sadie:** do u listen to Evanescence 

**lars:** no but ronnie does 

**lars:** that's his big secret 

**lars:** he's still emo

**lars:** an emo stoner

**sadie:** edgy 

**lars:** he cried over mcr 

**lars:** it was hilarious 

**lars:** until he was wearing eyeliner and it wasn't 

**sadie:** rip

“Lars!” Ronaldo yelled. 

“I'm right here, man,” Lars said, grinning as he leaned on Ronaldo’s bed. “What's up?”

“Are you hungry? I'm starving?” 

“I haven’t been hungry for a year,” Lars said, looking him right in the eyes. “But I wouldn't mind a snack.”

**lars:** ronnie is judging me bc I don't have the munchies 

**sadie:** what an asshoe

“Whatever. Let's get something to eat,” Ronaldo said after a good long judging stare. 

They went downstairs and into the kitchen. 

“What if we made a cake?” Lars sat on the counter, swinging his legs.

“We’re not making a cake.” Ronaldo opened the freezer, and grabbed a bag of pizza rolls. He poured them in a mixing bowl and put it in the microwave. “We don't have time to make a cake.”

**lars:** is 1 am a bad time to make a cake

**sadie:** it is

**lars:** asshoe 

**sadie:** go home Lars 

**lars:** what if I am home

**sadie:** you're still at Ronaldo's aren't u

**lars:** no

**lars:** maybe 

**lars:** yes

**lars:** don't worry bout it

**sadie:** sometimes i feel like ur goddamn mother ffs 

**lars:** you're not my real mom

**sadie:** you're adopted

**lars** : ouch

“Food’s ready,” Ronaldo said, pulling out the pizza rolls. 

Lars put his phone away and grabbed one. Not as good as when he actually had the insatiable hunger of a teenage boy, but still passable. He took his time chewing, savoring the taste of cheap and still kinda frozen pizza rolls. 

Pizza rolls used to be a good snack when he was home and so bored that eating was better than laying in bed for another half hour, but now they were only a sad reminder that he was no longer alive, just something out of reach of his old self. Of being human. He was about to grab another pizza roll, but he contemplated if it was worth it. He didn’t  _ need  _ pizza rolls, and they did not grant him any release from the cruel reality that this was now his life, or whatever he was going through day to day now.

“Dude? You ok? You just started staring at the pizza rolls looking deep and stuff,” Ronaldo said with a mouthful of pizza rolls.

“I’m dead, Ronnie. I died.”

“Like, while you were staring at the pizza rolls or…?”

Lars grabbed Ronaldo’s shoulders. “Ronaldo, I fucking died. I was in space for six months with a bunch of alien rock creatures, and while I was there, I died. That’s why I’m fucking pink. I’m a pink zombie. Steven fucking turned me into a pink zombie because I died. Now I never get hungry or tired. Never.”

Ronaldo looked at him, slack jawed. 

“Shut your mouth. Don’t get half chewed pizza rolls on the floor, Ronnie.”

Ronaldo shut his mouth.

**lars:** i’m fucking dead????

**sadie:** sources?

**lars:** I’M LITERALLY DEAD

**lars:** I DIED

**lars:** STEVEN FUCKING BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE AS A ZOMBIE

**sadie:** holy shit are u ok

**lars:** I HAVEN’T BEEN HUNGRY OR TIRED IN ONE FUCKING YEAR

**lars:** IF I JUMPED OFF THE ROOF OF THE BIG DONUT WOULD I EVEN DIE

**sadie:** LARs

**sadie** : DON’T 

**sadie:** THAT ACTUALLY COULD KILL YOU

**sadie:** LARS

“That’s rough, buddy,” Ronaldo replied in a quiet tone.

“Rough? Bud, I’m dead.”

**sadie:** holy fuck dude am i gonna have to clean your pink guts off the sidewalk outside the shop

**sadie:** i think that would scar me for life

**sadie:** lars plz tell me u didn’t try it

“I think I’m gonna head home.” Lars went upstairs to Ronaldo’s room to grab his jacket.

Ronaldo was staring off into space when he came back down.

“Don’t die without me, dude,” Lars said to him. 

“Yeah, man, I won’t,” he muttered, still staring into space.

**lars:** i think i broke ronaldo

**sadie:** YOU’RE NOT DEAD

**lars:** ronnie’s dead inside now

**lars:** and i am dead

**sadie:** yea but not dead dead

**sadie:** you know

**lars:** thanks

**lars:** u’re tryin ur best

**sadie:** is that even proper grammar

**lars:** is ur FACE even proper grammar

**sadie:** i could change ur name to lard in my phone at any time

**lars:** do it I DARE YOU

**lars:** btw i’m going home are u happy mOM

Lars found his keys in his pocket and opened the door. The house was quiet, and oh so dark. 

**lars:** why do i feel like i lost sight in my other eye

**sadie:** ur what

**lars:** did,,,,,, 

**lars:** have u not noticed i cannot see out of my goddamn right eye

**lars:** i’ve been home for six months

**lars:** i’ve been told that it kinda turned white

**lars:** sadie what the fuck

**sadie:** i’m very tired and i just remembered

**lars:** go to bed

**sadie:** U GO TO BED ASSHOE

**lars:** excuse me

**lars:** i’m not a fan of anal

**sadie:** that is more tjhan i needed to know

**lars:** u started it

**sadie:** go to bed

Lars groaned, before remembering his parents were asleep and rushing up to the attic, hoping he wasn’t too loud. 

**lars:** i don’t need to sleep fuc u

**sadie:** can u try

**lars:** fine

He took off his jacket and threw it on a chair before faceplanting on the bed and subsequently falling asleep. 

Later that morning, at work, Sadie was teasing him about their texts. 

“They weren’t even that funny,” he grumbled.

“You called Ronaldo an asshoe,” she laughed, holding her phone out. 

“Can I just try to get through my terrible existence without this?”

“No.”

**Author's Note:**

> if u somehow enjoyed this, please leave a kudo and maybe comment. this is totally unacccurate bc i've never smoked in my life.


End file.
